I have ranted and raved a little bit about how it's been hard to make friends since I have moved to L.A. I have made a few acquaintances at school, but it's only been two weeks since we started, so I haven't formed any life-long friendships yet. There are a lot of young people in my apartment complex, but norms out here are so weird. For instance, I met my neighbor who lives down my hall last week, and he said we should hang out, and I told him he could come knock on my door if he wanted to get together sometime, but I haven't heard a knock yet. I am not going to knock on his door because he might think that I'm some dominatrix hooker signing up for a booty call. I know, I know, that's a little extreme... But I guess, where I'm from, boys are the ones who take initiative and call girls, open their doors, do the pursuing (or the "knocking"); even if they are only in a "platonic" friendship (which, as I blogged about earlier, is pretty much impossible. To heck with the parenthesis-- the following excerpt is the reason why...):
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not gonna be friends, then.
Harry: Guess not.
I only have a few friends here. I called/texted them a lot when I first moved to L.A. three weeks ago, but I feel like if I continue to call them, I will be labeled as a "Stage 5 Clinger," so I have spent most of my time organizing and reorganizing my kitchen, working out, swimming, doing homework, and researching. This was my regular schedule until about two nights ago, when I hit a whole new low.
I should give you some background, first. I am addicted to craigslist. I mean, I could probably be diagnosed for this. Before I moved out here, I sold a bunch of crap through craigslist and made about 850 bucks, so I am now, officially, a junky. I always check out the "free" section and see what weird stuff people are trying to get rid of; I used it every day to find a job (I finally found one! In fact, people are still calling me. That always happens. After you actually find a job, people call you asking if you want one, but when you're looking for one, it seems impossible.), and then, in a moment of weakness the other night, I clicked on the "strictly platonic" section.
I know. I'd like a burger with extra lamesauce, please.
So, I start clicking through all kinds of people who were talking about being broken hearted, new to the area, transgender, what have you... And I started to get hooked. Here's one that made me laugh:
Two broke, handsome dudes -
Yes, we're handsome, starving college students.
You and a friend should take us out for dinner and...a movie? a show? drinks?
Send a picture or myspace link.
Please be between the ages of 18-55.
No guys or "women" who were born guys.
Jego is on the left, Curly on the right.
One of us got bitten by radioactive spider
the other got bitten by radioactive prostitute
It's up to you to figure out which is which!
p.s. one of us is Asian.
So, after reading a whole bunch of these while laughing my head off, I hit a moment of weakness... and I decided to post an ad. The ad basically said that I just moved here and I'm looking for friends. That was it. About five second later, I got about 209803 e-mails from fat, bald, cheeto-eatin' old men telling me that my ad "caught their eye" and that they'd love to "show me around" and "take me out for drinks" and all kinds of weird stuff. Then I got a few e-mails saying, "Wanna smoke out? 420?" Huh? How does just moving here have anything to do with bud? I'd say 75% included pictures, and I have never laughed so hard in all of my life. Seriously. I know it's wrong to laugh at the expense of others, but this is awesome quality entertainment. For free (I like free)! Ok, let me post one of the e-mails that I received:
Hi there Princess; Interesting ad, Hello, my name is Edward from Reseda, 36 years old,5'10 and Ornamental. Born of Chinese parents and Edumacated with anMBA degree. I hope me being Asian and 36 years old will not hinder mefrom getting to know you better. I love to watch movies, go toconcerts and Broadway shows. hobbies are basketball, ping pong andshooting pool.....
He's not only ornamental, but he's also edumacated!!!!! Everyone, let's welcome Edward, the ping-pong playin', well-decorated, ornamental man with many degrees!!! Sorry, Edward. I don't hang out with people who call me "Princess." That crap gets on my nerves. You can call me Ray Hay; that's the only term of endearment that I will allow.
These e-mails came one after another. I keep receiving them. The pictures are even better than the messages.
I wish that I could post some of the pictures that people have sent me, but I'd feel bad, because I really do think that these are REAL people; not cut outs from Abercrombie magazines, that's for sure. Trust me. You'd laugh so hard that you'd cry. Oh man! People use handles, too. Like radio call names. One guy keeps writing me and calling himself "The Scribbler." The thing is, "The Scribbler" is HILARIOUS. Supposedly he writes for sitcoms or something (whatever; he was probably discovered on "To Catch a Predator" and is writing me during his probationary online period from prison); and seriously, every time I get an e-mail from this guy, I laugh my head off. Today he sent me a picture. He is about 55+ years old. I have no problem having friends who are "old," but something about a Boomer sitting at home sifting through the classifieds seems a lot creepier than me doing it, when I'm a kid who just moved here and I don't know anyone. But maybe that's a double standard?
Here's another thing. I wrote that I was a Christian looking for Christian friends. Simply making that claim has completely pissed off everyone in the Los Angeles craigslist community. I keep getting e-mails that say stuff like, "My name is Ahkmen Airportgoboom. and I am Muslim/atheist/Lutheran/agnostic/Catholic/vegan. If you are close minded and don't want to be my friend, I don't care. Just because you are a Christian does not mean that I do not want to be your friend." Ok, why would you e-mail a person if you thought they wouldn't be friends with you in the first place? Dumb. I have friends of different faiths. That isn't a problem- the thing is, I am looking for a Christian network because I feel like we'd have things in common, and right now I am looking for a good church. I don't think that is weird. I also didn't say anything like, "If you aren't Christian, I hate you!" Hellooooo. Read about Jesus. He loved everybody. Christianity means being like Christ. Did Christ go around playa hatin'? Nope. I am no standard of Christ-like behavior at all times, but don't assume that I don't want to be your friend just because I said I was looking for people whom I'd have some commonality with.
I have actually received 3 or 4 e-mails from people who seem relatively normal. Now please note that the statistics are really quite depressing, when I've received well over 100 e-mails and only a small hand full seem like they do NOT qualify as serial rapist material. There's one girl from North Carolina who now lives in Santa Monica who invited me to her church (which could be code for: I'm going to throw you in my well and make you put lotion on until you're lathered enough to be made into a woman-suit. "It puts the lotion on the skin. It puts the lotion in the baaasket."). I have also had some invites for free sushi, free surf lessons, and invites to Dodgers games. All of those seem wonderfully appealing; but I'm a little bit afraid to meet someone without a wing man. This is one of the biggest reasons why I miss my little sister. She was my wing man 100% of the time when we lived within a 3 hour radius of each other. The Great Replacement Wing Man Search of 2008 continues...New classified!!!
Maverick searching for her Goose in order to avoid becoming a rape victim or martyr of serial killer while searching for new friends in L.A.
So, the Great Replacement Wing Man Search and the Great Christian Friend Search of 2008 is underway; but thankfully,the Summer of FunEmployment '08 has officially ended. My younger sis dubbed my summer of not working (which entailed smoking Clove cigarettes on the roof while reading The Great Gatsby, getting into classic summer trouble, swimming laps, going to Jerry's sno cones, and seeing movies at the Summer drive-in) [p.s. I am not a smoker, but I did probably partake in 3 Cloves over the three-month summer period.] as the summer of FunEmployment instead of the Summer of Unemployment because I had a blast every minute of taking time off. This was the first time in my life I haven't had some sort of job since the 8th grade [with the exception of a semi-nervous breakdown during my undergrad years at LSU]. It was terrific.
I have a few more stories I'd like to share, but this blog is pretty long, so I guess I'll make my way down to the gym. I will end this with suggesting the next time you are self-loathing because you do not have weekend plans, you have no excuse to not take advantage of free and hilarious entertainment. Just search the classifies on craigslist.
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