There is No Such Thing as a Free Lunch.

Today I met with this group of prospective employees for a free lunch provided by the company for which we had interviewed. This company is a nonprofit organization that connects people with other people to do charitable work. Sounds noble enough, right? Well, let me tell you. These people are completely bonkers.

I met with the interviewers a few days ago for an editing and writing position for the site. I like to write and I like to edit. Sounds logical. The girls that were interviewing me asked me a lot of questions pertaining to the helping professions, so I got to use my platform a little bit and discuss high risk adolescent girls. This was nice because I am passionate about advocating for troubled youth and students with learning disabilities. I got a little bit of a weird vibe from the people, though, so I left thinking that I would not take the job if they offered it to me. An hour later, I got an e-mail from them offering to buy me lunch on Friday and meet with all of the other prospective employees. I decided that whether or not I took the job, it'd be nice to have a free lunch. Boy, was I wrong.

It started out with everyone delicately handling half sandwiches (I don't think anyone actually ate a whole sandwich.). These were not normal sandwiches. They were full of sprouts and avocado and they had no meat on them. The bread also tasted like a farm. I have never physically tried to eat a farm, but I'm just saying, if I had tried it, it would taste like this weird bread. So everyone is talking about their wonderful vegan lunch and I start to giggle to myself because this is such a stereotype for Californians. I love to eat healthy foods, but holy crap--- no freaking cow will be injured if we use its milk to make real bread (is milk used in making bread? How tragic. I don't even know). So on and on everyone goes about this stupid vegan stuff. I'm just being cynical cause the people were ass faces. I have nothing against vegans or vegan food. Excuse me for being a Negative Nancy. Ok. Next paragraph.

So we're all sitting on a big sectional sofa talking to each other about nonprofit stuff. Then we were each asked (there were four potential employees, and like.. maybe ten people working there) questions about our role models and our goals and blah blah blah. First are nonprofits that we are passionate about. I will give you a few paraphrased excerpts.

"I am really into protecting our environment. I love 'the tree musketeers.' They plant beautiful trees on the side of the highway. It is so wonderful. I just love trees so much. I just want to cry when people cut down trees to build things. Oh, trees are just the best thing in the whole wide world!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA. Ok, sugar britches. You just eat that no-meat sprout sandwich and talk about trees all day. Because clearly, TREES are what help PEOPLE.

"I am so upset at McDonald's. I mean, I really, really, really hate McDonalds. Did you know that the average human eats 3 cheeseburgers a week? It's just preposterous. I think that everyone should be healthy. That's why I love being a vegan. I mean, fast food is just awful. It leads to obesity."

Clearly another life or death issue. Nothing like those McDonald's eatin' tyrants. Let's just kill them all. Next hippie in line, please...

"I think that everyone should have clean water. There's a filter that's been invented that costs 100,000 dollars, but it could only cost 1000 dollars for villages if blah blah blah happens. And it creates energy. Blah blah blah carbon footprints! OH MY GOSH! CARBON EFFING FOOTPRINTS!!!!"

You get the gist. I was waiting for somebody to pull out a bong and a guitar and lead us all in "Kumbaya." Seriously. What the crap? I watch stuff like this on SNL but these people were really, really into it. Never were any social issues discussed. Nobody every talked about PEOPLE and helping PEOPLE become better or work together in harmony. They talked about trees, fast food, and water. I didn't get it.

Next on the itinerary: let's talk about our heroes.

"Bill Clinton."
"Al Gore."
"That famous lesbian governor who supports the homosexuals."
"The dalai lama" (Not kidding. This was a real answer. Give me a break. I could have copped out and said Mother Theresa, but I didn't, because I don't live my life giving beauty pageant answers. Fake people irritate me.)

And the winner of the biggest dip shit hero of all time....

"Jenny McCarthy. From Playboy. She is so amazing. Her son is autistic and she does so much work for autistic children. She is so brilliant." (Let me preface this.. Well, I guess it's too late to preface, BUT, this was said about five minutes after I said that I was a formal special ed teacher who really struggled with teaching the autistic children. DIRECT HIT. BATTLESHIP... SUNK.) (Impeccable timing, huh? Wasn't it like two entries ago that I blogged about stupid women? I hate them.).

I should probably say that I have a lot, a LOT of liberal friends with whom I am very close. Some of my very closest friends are liberals, and that's fine. We just don't talk politics. The deal is, when it comes to people that I'm friends with, their views on politics are just one part of our relationship. If I'm going to take a job where I'm there ALL THE TIME and I have to advocate for specific issues, I want to make sure that it's a company whose beliefs are similar to mine; and if they aren't, I don't want to have to advocate and be fake and pretend like I believe in something when I am, in reality, very much against it. I suck at being fake and I'm not willing to invest the energy it takes to be a faker.

So, clearly, I was in the "Come one, come all, pot smoking, Jim Morrison listening, herb growing, tattooed up hippies" group from Hell, and I was completely uncomfortable, but being the somewhat sensitive person that I am (Hard to believe, I know), I decided to wait until everyone was finished with their little speeches before I got up to leave.

Then, it got exciting. We each got called into see the CEO and VP one by one. Terrific.

Enters Rachel, the conservative prude from Memphis, TN. Plot shift.

"So, Rachel, why don't you tell us a little about yourself before we talk more about the job?"

"Uh... Well.. First off, thank you for lunch. That was really nice. But, I am not sure that this environment would necessarily be the best fit for me. It seems to me that you have noble ideas and that you are trying to really get the community involved in good causes, and I think that is wonderful....but.... I just don't really see myself here. I appreciate this a lot though, so thanks for your time."

Rachel is ready to go. CEO is ready to make amends.

"Well what is it, Rachel?"

"Well, sir, you see, I'm a republican. I just sent off my request for an absentee ballot today. I'm very, very conservative. And it seems to me like this is a very democratic environment, which is absolutely fine, but I think that our conflicting political views could be problematic concerning the events that I'd have to attend and articles that I'd have to write. It's nothing personal, and I am in no way being critical, but this just isn't where I see myself."

"Well, you certainly are making harsh judgements. Why would you say that we're all democrats?"

Well, let's see, Captain Obvious, maybe it's the fact that EVERYONE in the freaking BUILDING has "Democrat" tattooed on their foreheads.

"Sir, you're wearing an Obama pin. So is he (I point to the dorky VP). So is everyone else that works here. Plus you've spoken about nothing but the Democratic National Convention this entire luncheon, and everyone's heroes are Clinton, Gore, and Obama. I'd say that's just how it is. I'm not making harsh judgments."

AND THIS IS WHAT THE M.F.ER SAID TO ME! (I hope he gets chlamydia.):

"Well, it's not very professional of you to say that. I am actually an independent (oh great. vote for Nader.). In fact, I don't give a SHIT what your personal beliefs are, we are all here because we're trying to do good causes."

And me, being the complete smart ass that I am, say,

"And it's professional for you to say the word 'shit' in an interview?"

"I apologize for my language. Well, would you like to further discuss this position knowing that we are not a democratic company?"

Ok, clearly Rainman here was confused about me saying that I DID NOT WANT TO WORK FOR THEM. So I had to break it down into very, very small pieces.

"I feel like I've made it clear that I'm not interested in working here. I've also let you know my reasons without being rude. You know, I moved here two weeks ago, and I have realized that I don't know the first thing about the social norms. Culturally, you and I are very different. If I was in the South and I went to an interview and I told them that I was not interested in a position, I would be thanked for my time, we'd agree to disagree, and it'd be over and done with. I told you up front that I didn't want to work here because I didn't want you to give me a big shpeel about your company and waste your time if my decision was already made. I have not meant to offend you or come off as ugly, but this is not going to work. Thank you again for lunch."

And I got up, shook that stupid douche bag's hand, and walked to the door. The VP followed me out, gave me his card, and told me to call him. Either he likes sassy mouth blondes or he was afraid that I was going to go postal and shoot everyone in the company.

So, I am writing all of this to say that there's no such thing as a free lunch. If someone tries to lure you in with a free lunch, first off, realize that it's farm food and rabbit treats. Next, if you get stuck in a room full of cause-supporters, realize that they are all potheads and tree huggers and they sit around on the beach making necklaces out of flowers and getting offended at people who aren't like them. They are also really into carbon footprints, global warming, dirty water, and trees. Third, CEOs of nonprofit websites are dicks. Well, I shouldn't say that. He DID tell me that he was from New York.