The Tragic Lives of Stupid Women

I decided that I was going to use the gym in my apartment today because I had the revelation that compulsively clicking the "refresh" button on craigslist every second for my "Great Job Search of 2008" struck me as mildly unhealthy. I made my way down to the fitness center this morning after my eyes had diarrhea from reading about four billion posts for jobs requiring 70 hour work weeks at two cents an hour. I started jogging (let's be real. I walked quickly. I hate cardio. Jogging makes me sound more fit, though) on the treadmill and started watching a show on E! Now, before I moved to L.A., I never watched TV. I was far too busy being creative, going out with friends, swimming laps, reading books on my roof, etc. Since I've moved here, I have started watching more TV because I am home throughout the day and sometimes it's so quiet in my apartment that I feel like I'm locked in the morgue. I am not sure which show was on E! since I am not current enough to know what's trendy, but basically, the gist of the show was a bunch of slutty girls running around getting wasted and making out with each other and boys who look like they make porn in the backs of windowless vans. I also watched a "My Super Sweet 16" marathon the other day. I wasn't actively watching it, I just had it on so I wouldn't feel like I was in solitary confinement. I also survived about three minutes of watching "The Hills" before I went back to pondering the silence in my soundproof bubble. I found a common denominator between all of these shows: stupid women. Stupid women make me sad. There are several genres of stupid women, but right now I'd like to emphasize my disdain for the stupid rich ones. Because there is such an influx of stupid rich hoes on TV, it seems like a lot of men want a stupid rich girl. This is Ray Hay's criterion for being a stupid rich hoe (in no particular order):

1. You must have very big boobs. You must try very hard at this if the big boob fairy has not yet visited your house. You should do whatever is necessary in order to have voluptuous, perky TA-TAs. Your blouse bunnies must be at least sized DD. No one will criticise you for buying them.

2. You must have a big, round booty. This booty must also be clad in slutty underwear that is accented by see-through pants or some other form of spray-painted clothing.

3. You must have very long hair. Your hair must also have a slight wave to it and lots of layers. Think Brooke Shields in "Blue Lagoon." It doesn't really matter what color your hair is, as long as it's long and wavy and smells like vanilla.

4. You must wear slimy lip gloss. Tons of it. You must have so much shimmery shiny lip gloss on that it looks like you made out with a grease vat.

5. You must be very, very stupid.

6. You must be vocal about your political beliefs; however, you must not be a registered voter, ever have campaigned, or know who is running for office. You must talk about political issues a lot (gay marriage, abortion, illegal immigrants), though you have no knowledge of politics.

7. You must wear designer EVERYTHING, no past seasons, no exceptions. You must also spend thousands of dollars on important items like matchbook holders and doggie collars. Because that makes sense.

8. You must have a little dog that you can dress up like a princess. This dog must also have a very unique name, like "Cupcake," "Queeny," "Buttons," "Fi-Fi," or some other brilliant tag.

9. You must be very into animal rights and protest for "PETA" despite your extensive collection of leather shoes, handbags, belts, and car seats.

10. You must never sweat. If you do sweat, it is called "glistening," and it's more like God-given sparkles for your skin.

11. You must be very, very stupid.

12. You must get wasted all of the time and giggle a lot. You must fall off of bar stools, make out with boy band look-alikes, and profess your undying love to whichever stranger you've just made out with. Oh, and you have to make out with girls a lot. But that's not lesbianism, right?

13. You must blank stare your dates and then pretend to have an intelligent response to their one-sided conversations.

14. You must have huge, shiny teeth.

15. You must pretend to love sports but not know how to play any of them. This is when a boy can "teach you how" and bump and grind all over your spray-painted on outfit.

16. You must love Obama. But not know who he is.

18. You must be very, very stupid.

19. You must have attained only a fourth grade education, have lots of money, and treat everyone around you like crap.

20. You must hire established and brilliant designers (i.e. Karl Lagerfeld, Valentino, etc.) to perform menial and mindless tasks like designing your dress for your 18th birthday party. You must also talk to them like they are stupid and smack your gum while doing so.

21. You must have unprotected, unplanned sex with EVERYONE but never contract STD's or get knocked up. This would be unbecoming and be too realistic for TV audiences to handle. Unless you're a celeb. Then you and your rich and stupid boyfriend can never commit to each other, have bastard children together, and the general public will ooh and aah and think it's all wonderful.

This is my very minimal observation for the lovely rich slut buckets seen on TV. What sucks is that so many women look to these idiot hoes as role models. Women as cynical as myself are not as subject to the brain washing, but high school girls certainly are more susceptible. And the GUYS. Are you kidding? Guys love these kinds of girls. I don't get it.

My little sister and I were talking about two things yesterday. Guys and our lack of substantial income. She reminded me of back in the day when she used to charge her boyfriend every time he'd make any contact with her. This might be a dollar for a hug, or five bucks for a kiss, or whatever. I am not sure what the pay scale was. Anyway, she kept all of the money in a jar, and by the time she was a sophomore in high school, my mom found it and asked her where she'd gotten all of that money. My sister said she'd been charging her boyfriend for the past several years. My Southern Baptist mom was mortified and gave a speech on "abbreviated prostitution" and made my sister give her boyfriend the jar of money. There was so much cash in that thing that he bought a brand new mountain bike.

Simply brilliant. Bill Gates has nothin' on my little sister. I don't get enough game to fill a jar with enough cash money for a new bike (maybe a pack of gum on a good month), but it's definitely worth checking into. I mean, if all guys want is some booty, and they love stupid women, couldn't we all unite and somehow use this to our advantage? Considering we're in an economical crunch, it would be quite admirable, if you ask me, for women to start using their ASSets to make some cash money.