I am Bad at Math

Here's the thing about life. It gets harder as you go. I remember talking to this beautiful friend of mine around a year ago about the guy that I was dating. He was a business school guy who was busy all the time because he was married to his MBA program, and I understood that, but I also was sort of sick of dating someone that I wasn't THAT crazy about who required so much scheduling. I mean, he was OK, but he was nothing to write home about, and even though we dated for about 5 months, I never really got that into it. Anyway, I was trying to decide whether or not to can him, and as I talked to my friend, who is one of the wisest women I know, she said, "You know? Life just gets harder as you go. If he's not making time for you now, he never will, because if it isn't an MBA program, it's a job, and if it isn't a job, it's something else. When you love someone, and you can't stop thinking about them, and you want them to be a part of your life, you do whatever it takes to make it work. Being busy is just a stupid excuse that people use." And she's right. Life gets harder and more intricate and more murky, and all you can really do is decide who and what make the cut, and then make it work from there.

I went through a bout of two or three weeks where I was having nightmares every night, but they stopped for a couple of days until last night. I woke up this morning all sweaty with my heart pounding about 308 miles per hour, and I was so overwhelmed with anxiety that I couldn't really shake it until about 2:00 p.m. This is a really terrible feeling. It's still sort of lingering around and making me nervous. I think there's a spiritual dynamic to dreaming sometimes. I think sometimes dreams are sort of like omens. Anyway, despite coffee and Facebook and chapstick, I still have that "shook" feeling from my nightmare, and now I am sort of wondering what to do with it.

Maybe I should join a gym.

I don't know where nightmares come from, but I think they could come from a variety of sources, including stress. Then stress comes from a lot of things, including overcast weather, funerals, nightmares, and not performing well at work. I think I broke our teller scanner and I lost the invoice for our rent. I am trying my hardest to learn how to do math and do accounting, and I absolutely am NOT getting it. I'm not sure what happens when you're actually trying really hard and you still can't do your job. It's sort of embarrassing. I've never been fired, but 2011 might be a year of new beginnings. Er...endings.? I have been really scattered recently; repeating myself a lot and zoning out and not paying attention and losing things. I may or may not be losing my mind. Or maybe it's AD/HD. Or maybe it's just my personality. I'm not sure.

My friend whom I sat with at the funeral texted me today and asked me how I was doing. I told him,

"I'm OK. Having a bad week at work. Weather here is dreary. I'm depressed but things will get better."

His response was, "Rachel, Rachel. You have been depressed for the past 12 years just like me. It never gets better!!!"

And, maybe it was sadistic of me, but I got a good, hearty laugh out of that, and it was exactly what I needed to read. I feel guilty sometimes that I can't just snap out of it, or change my "mood" with willpower. It's rough. I am wondering if I'm still in there somewhere. It's hard when you feel withdrawn and exhausted all the time, and then when you're ready to sleep, your sleep is complete crap, because you've had these terrifying, paranoid nightmares all night. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!

I got another message from a friend today that said, "I read your email, and thought, she doesn't realize how EVERYTHING is temporary! Ha! Rachel, life is so long... so get your damn PhD. You know why? Because people need help -- they get off track, into a rut, and just need help -- therapy -- a different set of compassionate eyes looking at their situation for them."

I needed that wee little bit of cheer leading. I also needed to be reminded, that ALL people, get off track, into a rut, and just need help, and all people definitely include me. I am definitely off track, in a rut, and need help. I bet a lot of my anxiety (again) is also coming from not knowing whether or not I am going to get into school. I have no plan B if this doesn't work out. I hate not having a plan B.

I've spent the past 7 hours sending invoices to sororities and cheerleading companies. Haha, for people who know me, they see the hilarious irony of this situation. My job is doing MATH for SORORITIES and CHEERLEADERS. Surely, Jesus is coming back soon.

I am really struggling this week. A lot of people have been on my case, and it'd be nice to have a good, long cry, but I can't, because I am all post-funeral cried out. I think the weather has a lot to do with this. It's like freaking Seattle outside, and it has been for months. I think besides the fact that Memphis is sort of like one of those West Virginia mining towns with a Texas Chainsaw Massacre twist, for every day from November to March, it's overcast and rainy and cold as crap. I think this contributes to my dread for this town a great deal. I don't mind Memphis so much in the summer, because it isn't so depressing, but during the winter, I know that an intense case of SADD awaits, so I always dread the changing seasons.

I am looking for little things to bring me back up. A piece of cold pizza or a call to a friend who will always make me laugh. Today I snuck some dog treats into work to earn the approval of our office mascot, who runs away and hides when he sees me. I have won. I had that dog eating out of my hand in no time. That was a big check in the "successes" column of my day.

I think I need to go out of town. I honestly think that I need to just pack up all of my crap and move again, but not get weak when I run out of money and can't pay my rent. I think that next time maybe I should just be an egg donor and sell plasma.