I woke up today with this entire outline in my mind about what I was going to say to people, and what I was going to do, and how I was going to run my life like Donald Trump keeping someone on or kicking someone off of "The Apprentice." I feel lest traumatized when I can prepare for events or conversations. I think I realized that I'm about 45% insane when I made a comment at Christmas about how I wish that my family could all accept Outlook calendar requests so we could figure out when to do our annual Christmas "dinner" and movie ("dinner" is in quotes because it usually happens in the afternoon. Although this year it happened at 8:30 p.m.). Anyway, I like things to be structured and scheduled so that I know how to prepare, because when I'm prepared, the curve balls that are hurled at my face aren't quite as destructive, and I can feel successful when I can pull all of my preparatory materials out of my emergency tool kit. Life never works like that, though. Life doesn't work in favor of control freaks. I hate to admit that I am a control freak, but alas, I am a raging one. I became one because lack of structure made me become one, not because I am one by nature, but the point is, I am a big, fat control freak.
So I was driving to work, planning everything out in my mind, and then I got to the office and saw that we didn't have near as much going on as I anticipated. So, I randomly had lunch with one of my friends. Even in this current job, where I can dress like a slob if I want and everyone is pretty laid back and little Oscar the dog runs around the office, I always feel like I can't leave. I have this really compulsive tendency to eat lunch at my desk and work my face off all day and not take any breaks. I'm not sure why. I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself, a lot of people tell me, and I wish I didn't, but I do it. I do it with school and work and relationships. It's weird. Anyway, I've been having this really weird "The Shining" type of week from hell, where I go to work and fail at my job... but in my heart, I hear this line from "The Sandlot" where the voice over guy says,
"We played our best then because, I guess, we all felt like the big leaguers, under the lights of some great stadium. But Benny felt like that all the time. We all knew he was gonna go on to bigger and better games, because every time we stopped to watch the sky on those nights like regular kids, he was there to call us back. You see, for us, baseball was just a game. But for Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez, baseball was life."
I always hear it. Always. I hear it when I see someone's lame status updates on Facebook about cooking their husband chicken for dinner. I hear it when I type in Excel formulas to figure out how much money I have to go out and head hunt for. I hear it when I meet people who think they have "arrived" because they made it to the cover of this dumb local magazine we have here called "RSVP" that features professional beauty queens and people who've made a lot of money from manufacturing textiles. I keep hearing it. Of course, it isn't about baseball for me. It's just about moving on to bigger and better games. It's about staying focused and not watching the sky. I'm working hard to get somewhere so that I CAN get somewhere, and if I were only existing and bumping along through these hours upon hours of debits and credits, I would never get to the bigger or better game. If I stopped at RSVP magazine, I'd never get there. If my statuses were about cooking effin chicken, I'd never get there.
Today, though, I did routine emotional maintenance and had lunch with an old friend just so that I could have a break from working hard and I could take some time for myself. But guess what. Somewhere, in the middle of lunch, when my friend asked me how I was, I started to cry. And then, he said, "This is the first time I've ever seen you cry." We've been friends for about 10 years, now. I felt like this was a breakthrough for me. We talked about how the crap in our lives keeps us from being who we are meant to be, and how we have to stop and make some big changes before we can get to the bigger and better games. He talked to me about all of the near death experiences he's had and how God has clearly closed doors in his face because God had something better. Then he said, "God didn't want you to stay in L.A. If He did, you would've gotten another job. He would have kept the door open. He didn't. So now, you have to KNOW that He has your best interest in mind, and wait." So. I'm waiting, and I hate waiting, and I'm sick of wasting time with jobs and relationships and hard work if it isn't going to go anywhere, but there's no way to really know if it's going anywhere until you get there, and you can't get there before you wait.
My Aunt Denise gave me the epic "Oh! The Places you will Go!" book by Dr. Seuss for my high school graduation gift, and it's funny how I've read it over and over again through periods like this in my life, where I feel like God shook up my ant farm and all of my little tunnels came crashing down. Dr. Seuss > Dr. Phil.
"You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!"
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