Last week was a really hard week, but there was this amazing outpouring of love from my friends that I've never experienced in my life. At least, not to the extent where a different person was there for me every single day and I felt like each person and each interaction was a God-send type of deal. I met a friend every day who helped me get through the week. It was amazing. From going to lunch twice to having a phone call with my best friend in LA to one of my closest girl friends coming to my house with mixed CD's and cupcakes, I felt like God knew exactly what I needed and sent people my way who could help me get through the worst week I've had since I moved to Memphis. Again.
One thing that I learned in school was to never tell people, "I know how you feel." when you truly do NOT know how they feel. It's a major slap in the face to someone when you're telling them just how much you KNOW how they feel, and you're dumping a bunch of word vomit on them that has nothing to do with them. A lot of times, people just need to be still, and reflect, and cry it out. They don't need you to steal their time of emotional purging with stories about YOU. I remember last spring, it was maybe one of four times total of the year and a half I spent at my old job that I actually went to lunch, and I had this meltdown at Subway where I was sitting at a table outside, facing Wilshire Blvd., crying my face off because I was dealing with so much crap. I was in so over my head with work and not making enough money to pay bills and sucked into a destructive lifestyle and empty relationships and complete emotional burnout, and so much other stuff that I am still working through, and one of my two coworkers started going on and on about Nelson Mandela and him being in prison or something. She kept telling me to remember Nelson Mandela. She had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, and she wanted to steal the limelight with Nelson effin Mandela. It was the epitome of the "I know how you feel" mistake.
I've noticed since I've once again moved back to this city that most of its inhabitants are always at effect instead of cause. It's sort of weird. People are always at the solution and never at the source of the issue. It's like you live in a house that has walls that are covered in mold, and you have this incredible lung condition that has you on your death bed, and while you're crying out to everyone you know that you're sick and something in your life has to change for you to get well, the people of Memphis decide that they will come right into your house and paint your walls a new color for your health to improve. They don't see the mold. They don't see the source of the problem. THEY DON'T SEE THAT YOU HAVE TO MOVE OUT TO GET BETTER! They're at effect instead of cause. It's a city-wide phenomenon, for the most part.
It seems like the people who are always the ones who don't have a clue as to what you're going through are the ones to dump a ton of self-help crap onto your lap. They are the people who tell you what you "should" or "must" or "ought" do. It's incredible. People who don't have a CLUE as to who you are or what you've walked through are the effervescent "musterbaters," telling you things like, "You MUST go to church." "You MUST pray more." "You MUST change your attitude." But the people who really know what you're going through, or the ones who don't necessarily know what you're going through but know that you need them to love you while you're going through it, are the ones who never tell you that they know how you feel, or that you should/ought/must do something. They just love you where you are. They bring you flowers or burn you a CD or send you a text in the morning. Those are the people who love you. It's like counseling. They don't try to "fix" you, or even harp on what broke you in the first place. They're just the bumpers in the bowling lanes, keeping you on track so that you can get to where you need to go.
One of my dearest girl friends told me last week that she had to come to a place in her life where she would let people love her, because she had a guard up so high and strong that she made herself unlovable. I know I've heard stuff like that before and had revelations about that concept that resonated with me, but something about hearing HER say it shot through my heart and made me realize that during this healing process, where I've felt alone and undirected and unclear, I have tried so hard to preserve the little bit that I've had left that I have not only made myself unlovable but I have also not allowed others to love me. It's weird how I have these "I don't need anyone, I can do it on my own." thoughts, but then I'll reach a place, like last week, where Monday started with a funeral and Friday ended with a meltdown and all I can think about is how I'm going to ask people to help. A lot of times, I just don't know how to ask. I feel like there isn't anyone to call, but the reality is that I have a lot of people in my life that I could hypothetically call, but they don't have a crystal ball. They don't know that I need them. I have to learn how to ask for help. Moving back in with my parents was a huge step in that direction. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Moving home again, asking for help again.
I went to lunch with a lady about a month ago who said, "I want to be hands-on in your life. I want to be someone you can call when you need help. So tell me, what can I do?" And you know what? I couldn't think of one single thing.
I sent Garrett's mom an email talking about some of the memories I had with him, and she wrote me the most touching note in response. She was so grateful that I told her about memories of our friendship, because G was a quiet person who didn't talk a lot. She said she printed my email and was putting it in a book that she was making about his life. It made me think about how open she is right now to receiving love from other people. I want to be like that.
I also talked to my old boss on the phone yesterday, and I was talking her ear off because I had just eaten a crap ton of carbs and I was feeling all insane and hyper, so I ran my mouth for a good 10 minutes before she told me that she was still at work (I sure don't miss those days of working from 8:30 to 6:45 or later) and holding a meeting at the office. She is the most task-oriented and workaholic person I've ever met, so for her to listen that long was a really big deal. She kept saying, "I really miss you. Why don't you move back here? You always have a place to work for me." And even though I know for sure that I could never do L.A. like I did it ever again, and I pray to God that I'll never work in divorce again, for her to be so vocal about her wanting me to come back was kind of a big deal and made me feel sort of good.
I was having this tech support problem at work last week, so I called a hotline somewhere and wound up talking to this tech support guy on the phone for about 15 minutes. He said that he was from Lawndale but now he lives in Dallas, and he's wanting to move and ready for a big life change. I told him that I know exactly how he feels, and I am in the same boat right now, but I also told him that just because both feel like we aren't going anywhere in life right now doesn't mean that we aren't. We just have to hang onto the principle that everything happens for a reason, and things are happening all the time that we can't see, so we have to just ride it out. I asked him about Austin and if that might be a good place to move down the road. He said he highly recommended it. It's funny how much normalcy is out there if you are just willing to take the time to see it. Sometimes it takes calling a tech support hot line. The point is, you have to let yourself be willing to ask for it, and once you ask for it, you have to be willing to receive it.
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